Bittersweet
I just returned from 10 days in Cambodia and felt it difficult to answer people’s question: “How was your trip?” I would have to answer “fantastic and terrifying”. Seth Trimmer preached a message today that brought this paradox into focus for me.
Some background:
It’s been 15 years since we returned from living in Cambodia. This was the first trip back since then and I was lining up housing, transportation and reconnecting with friends from our last stint in Cambodia. It was a huge culture shock when I returned this trip. It was as if I was in a thick fog, unable to focus or see the vision that has been developing over the years. I was returning to focus in on this vision and prepare for our move in April. A terrifying wave of depression and confusion came over me when I arrived. What had I done? Did I miss God on this one? I felt that I had made a tremendous mistake to return to Cambodia to live. We’ve sold our dream farm and all our possessions in anticipation of our move so there is no returning now.
Let me set up the story in the book of Mark. The Disciples had been following Jesus and successfully casting out demons, feeding thousands, and healing the sick with Jesus. They had been cruising, so to speak. At the same time Jesus was upping the ante: Calling the crowd to join his disciples, he said,
“Anyone who intends to come with me has to let me lead. You’re not in the driver’s seat; I am. Don’t run from suffering; embrace it. Follow me and I’ll show you how. Self-help is no help at all. Self-sacrifice is the way, my way, to saving yourself, your true self. What good would it do to get everything you want and lose you, the real you? What could you ever trade your soul for?” Mk 8:34-37.
Further along the story a man out of the crowd answered Jesus,
“Teacher, I brought my mute son, made speechless by a demon, to you. Whenever it seizes him, it throws him to the ground. He foams at the mouth, grinds his teeth, and goes stiff as a board. I told your disciples, hoping they could deliver him, but they couldn’t.” Mk 9:17-18
The man then asked if Jesus could heal his son and Jesus said,
“If? There are no ‘ifs’ among believers. Anything can happen.” No sooner were the words out of his mouth than the father cried, “Then I believe. Help me with my doubts!” Mk 9:23-24.
I realized today that when I returned to Cambodia I was cruising like the disciples before this encounter. Just as the disciples, you can’t walk out the next journey on the strength you previously had. Quoting Seth Trimmer, “With new levels there are new devils”. Jackie and I are moving to a new level and I failed to see this and was blindsided when I got off the plane in Phnom Penh two weeks ago.
I now see that I was greeted at the Phnom Penh airport with doubt and unbelief. Not being prepared, it caught me off guard for a few days. Thankfully I can now say as the man in Mark said, “I believe. Help me with my doubts Jesus”. Jackie and I are looking forward to the new journey we are embarking on. We can’t do this without the Grace of God and the support of friends and family that has been abundant.
We depart permanently in April and we have much to do before our departure.
